I’m wasting my days away, doing absolutely nothing that I would consider “productive.” I don’t know what has happened to me; when my work habits have changed. I need to get out of this slump. I need to get out fast. It’s as if I were thrown into a pit full of lions, with no way out, but to climb up. I need to rock climb out of this bitch…
Maybe then, they would not be so quick to judge my actions…
They think you blew everything out of proportion, because they do not understand. If only they knew…
The smile I wear on my face is not real. It’s a mask that hides how I really feel. To the naked eye, I seem happy, and better off, but if you really knew me, it’s all a lie. I miss the feeling of true happiness. I miss not having any worries, and feeling that all is right with the world. Most of all, I miss you. I wish my life was that good again. This is a dream I desperatetly need to become my reality.
You cannot be in a world, doing you, without anyone making assumptions. Assuming they know your life, and how you feel. I cannot have the close relationship with my best friend, Chris, without anyone assuming our feelings for each other. I cannot go a day without people giving me shit about our friendship. “Oh, you like him, that’s why you stay friends with him!” “I don’t know why you put up with him, he never pulls through.” Give me shit day and night, but no one knows the truth. Yes, once upon a time, I was in love with the guy, but my feelings from the past do not define our future. You cannot tell me that I still have underlying feelings for him, when I keep saying that I don’t. You say that I’m just in denial, but it is just you being in denial about my feelings. You stay being persistant and try to conform my feelings into how you think they should be.
Another thing, so what if our plans barely ever follow through? I mean, he has a life and I have a life outside of us. We cannot just drop everything for one another. We make non concrete plans, and everyone gets angry. We talk about the possibilities not about what is set in stone. People come up to me and have the audacity to tell me about our “relationship.” Saying that he does not take it seriously, and that I should cut him from my life. These same people do not know the whole story. They only base their accusations off of what they witness. A third person’s point of view. I cannot stress enough how much this aggravates me. You want me to drop him? It is not that easy. You see, although you may think I only keep him around because you think that there are still unresolved feelings, I keep him around because I care about the guy. He is one of the constants in my life, that I would be lost without. You want me to drop him, fine, see me as an incomplete person. See me as not myself. I need him in my life. He’s my rock, my de-stressor. NO I am not in love with Chris, I just got mad love for him.
Fuck the haters, fuck the assumptions. As long as we know the truth, I’m chill.
Would you immediately look for someone right after you and your bf/gf broke up?
There always needs to be time to heal.
Currently waiting on something/someone?
Christopher to get on Skype.
Last time you painted your nails?
Almost a week ago.
What was the last thing you watched on television?
Uhhh…whatever this Food Network show is.
Is your shirt yellow?
No sir..
How old will you be in 12 months?
20 & 1 month…holy fuck.
What did you do last night?
Drove home from San Rafael with Alex.
What woke you up this morning?
My brother-_____-
Do you sleep naked?
Nope, undies.
What should you be doing right now?
Studying.
On a scale from one to ten, how happy are you?
Meh. Moderate, so like a 7.
Does the person you have feelings for start with any of these letters: B, L, D, or M?
I do not like anyone, actually.
Do you have make-up on?
Yessir.
Have you kissed anybody in the last 4 days?
Nope.
The last person you kissed name started with a J or R?
Nope. D.
Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches?
…no .____.
Would you rather be called honey or baby?
Hmmm, depends.
The person you have the most feelings for calls you right now, what do you do?
I don’t like anyone, but I guess answer the phone. Haha
Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed?
Fuck him.
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Yess’m.
What do you say during awkward silences?
“Well this is awkward.”
Have you ever told a friend they looked good when they really looked bad?
Yeaap.
Your last kiss meant nothing to you, right?
Meh.
Next time you will get butterflies?
Idk?
Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground & carry you?
Mhmm.
Where is your phone?
Adjacent to me.
Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Nope.
Are you any good with kids?
Well yeah. My job requires me to be.
What if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
Well, that would be awkward, now wouldn’t it?
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
High school.
Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years time?
I doubt it.
Would you ever try being a vegetarian?
Nope. I love me some steak.
Did anyone call you babe yesterday?
Nah.
Three things I want to say to three different people.
I cannot believe you’re that much of an asshole. Thanks for the memories, not for the heartache.
Stop being all high and mighty. I’m sorry I cannot live up to your standards. Could you stop judging me. I love you and all, but sometimes I wanna just say “Fuck you.”
I cannot wait to send you this letter. Hopefully you’ll understand once you read it all..
One of my insecurities.
Hmm…my weight.
What turns me on.
Tall white boys. Hahaha
One of my bad habits.
Procrastination.
Where I want to be right now.
I’m content.
The last thing I ate.
Teriyaki chicken, rice.
Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately.
Dillon. -_-
What song I’m currently listening to.
Tv.
The last time I cried and why.
Umm, probably January. Family shit.
Something I’m excited about.
The twenty-first(:
5 things I like about myself and 5 things I dislike about myself?
Nope, nope, nope.
Three things I want right now?
More grilled asparagus, a second chance, success.
Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you, where’s it from?
Nope.
How long was your last phone conversation?
Uh, 5 minutes?
Did you get anything off your chest today?
Nope.
How many rings do you usually wear?
None.
Would you rather go to Canada or California on vacation?
I live in California…but I don’t wanna go to Canada.
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants?
Sweatsss.
Do you call it fall or autumn?
Fall.
Are you an emotional person?
Meeh, depends on the situation.
It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely from?
Jinabee.
Do you like long car rides?
Yeah, sure.
Do you have an adult you can talk to about anything?
Not really.
Last time you saw your dad?
Never.
Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
Sure.
Do you do your own laundry?
Yessm.
Would you like the ability to read minds?
At times.
Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?
No sir.
You’re thinking about a certain person right now, aren’t you?
Not really.
What will you be doing in five years?
Working in a hospital, hopefully.
Last 2 people to text you?
Arlena and Steen.
Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
Pediatric nurse.
Do you like to cuddle?
Mhmm.
When angry, do you get loud or quiet?
Both.
Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed on the lips?
Nope.
Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
Mhmm. Christopher.
How’s your hair right now?
Up, messy bun. Meh.
So my high school graduation class decided to have a camping trip to kick off our summer after our first year of college. They invited some of our other close friends from neighboring schools, too. Cool, I get to go camping with two girls I want nothing to do with and my ex boyfriend. -________- Fuck my life.
